


Happiness is overrated

by KillingKathy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-07
Updated: 2013-07-07
Packaged: 2017-12-18 00:53:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/873840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KillingKathy/pseuds/KillingKathy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rivaille had always been alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happiness is overrated

Rivaille had always been alone. He'd never truly had anyone to take a spot in his life that he truly treasured. Sure, he'd slept with people, like Petra, and once, out of pure curiosity, Irvin.

So when Eren pinned him down once and whispered in his ear "I like you Corporal"

Rivaille was the one who'd initiated the sex. He wasn't doing it out of love or care, but rather just to satisfy Eren's feelings.

He didn't have any attraction toward the boy-maybe a little fondness, but that was all.

When Irvin'd first found him as a drug dealer in the black market, he'd fought. He hadn't wanted to give up the life that he was living then, because truly, it was the only thing he had.

The only thing he'd known, from a young age, was that people were greedy and selfish.

He'd never really expended any kindness, or received any, for that matter.

So it really was a surprise, when Eren, once after sex, huddled close to him and said "I love you, Corporal."

Back then, he didn't know how to reply to that, mainly because no one had ever said that to him before. Before he knew what he was doing, there was a single wet drop on his bed sheets, and when Eren asked-

"Allergies, brat. Mine are bad at this time of year."

Eren didn't question him, only holding him tighter. And that was enough, Rivaille supposed, for then.

"It's kinda sad, you know?" Eren was sprawled along Rivaille's bed at that time, looking at him with something close to adoration. Rivaille'd ignored him, only closing his eyes and feeling Eren's hands run through his tangled hair. "No matter what I do, I'm still nowhere near your level. No matter how hard I mature, grow, learn-I'm ever as good as you are."

Honestly, Rivaille'd heard this many times before. He remembered saying it once-to who was it? Maybe it was his mother. "You're still taller than me, brat." Was that sentence an attempt to comfort the human-titan? Perhaps. But Rivaille usually wasn't a one for comforting, so who knew.

"You look strange!" That was the first sentence that he'd heard from Hanji, Zoe, who would later be known as-'the insane person whos name we shall not mention' She was the first person he met who seemed genuinely happy. She lived in the world around her, and embraced everything to its fullest capacity. She didn't truly love titans, he knew, but instead-accepted them, because, truly, what other choice did she have? He actually looked up to her, more than he wanted to say. He respected her for living in this world and somehow, enjoying it, and wondered constantly how she could always be so damn happy.

But, he guessed, maybe that was why she was so strong. People with masks are more protected than the vulnerable ones.

He'd always thought that his life was one of the worst, and actually, sometimes, prided himself for pulling through everything with his head held high. He'd never cried once since he was a child. Well-maybe, once. Petra. The girl didn't mean much to him, truly-it was the concept of facing her father that made it. He knew the pain of losing family. Hadn't he himself lost it so many times before?

He respected everyone who was above him, either in command or skill. Irvin was one of the most brilliant masterminds he'd met, excluding Armin, of course. He was the one who'd found him, huddled in a shirt two sizes too big, and offered him a place; The Recon Corps-

Honestly, when Rivaille first saw them, he thought-

Beautiful. In a million years, he would've never guessed that he would become one of them.

And now-hailed as the strongest soldier, and 'humanity's hope'

He wasn't sure if he liked that title. Too much pressure, he thought. And sometimes, he found himself doubting weather or not he even wanted to do this anymore.

But-one time, he was walking alone on the streets, kicking a cobblestone by his foot, when he heard what seemed like the strumming of a acoustic guitar, and a soft singing voice. He'd headed towards the voice and the song, following the alleyway, which lead him to a quiet town square, where a beautiful boy was singing.

At that moment, to this day he still didn't know why-

That music had seemed impossibly ethereal. He didn't cry. How could he? He might've forgotten, actually.

People say that crying is a proof that you're alive-weren't you crying when you born?  
"Crying is only for the piss poor weak." Rivaille'd repeated that sentence so many times before that he'd forgotten its meaning by now.

When did he become this way? When did he become "Rivaille", and not a nameless person on the streets?

"When I die, no one will cry for me." The singing boy looked up to him with earnest, smiling as Rivaille tossed a copper coin into the empty tin.

"What do the tears of people mean, anyway?" Rivaille muttered; he pulled his cloak over his head again.

"Dunno, I guess…if someone remembered, that would be nice." Rivaille looked at him a moment longer, blinking. "I'll remember, then." He patted the boy's head. "So don't you die yet."

The boy'd laughed at him. "You're funny, mister."

.

He'd died three days later. 

Eren. Eren. Eren. 

Rivaille hated everything that was dirty. He judged them as things that were unclean, filthy, uncared for. And Eren was among the dirtiest. The boy was a horrible messy eater, smearing his face with bread crumbs that he ate at dinner. He was horrible at cleaning; Rivaille had to always re-do things for him. Yet-maybe even before his mind knew it-he wanted Eren. He wanted him in a way that he'd never wanted anyone before. Maybe it was the fact that he was a titan-

"You won't go and die, will you?" Eren'd just dug his nails into his skin harder, keening as Rivaille thrust into him.

Yes. It'd must been that fact, and no other. But-why had he not wanted Ymir when she could turn into a titan? Or Reiner and Braun, for that fact, why only Eren?  
It wasn't that foolish emotion called love.

But the heichou didn't love. It was impossible.

Eren'd once given him a piece of chocolate, for a holiday that he dubbed as 'valentines day'.

And when Rivaille had put it in his mouth, Eren'd swooped down on him with a kiss, because, as he said jokingly later-"I didn't want you to spit it out."

But in that period of time, in Rivaille's dazed state, all he could think-was that that chocolate was so sweet, it almost burned his tongue and spun his head.

And the time before when he found Irvin in the bed with another woman-naked, he'd felt a fury like nothing ever before. He'd screamed and struck Irvin multiple times, not caring how many bruises he left on the other's body-He just wanted Irvin to feel that same pain that he was going through. 

And Irvin's excuse-"It was an accident!" was nothing.

"I'm sorry!" that was nothing.

"I'll never do it again!" that was nothing.

"I love you!" That all was nothing. 

At that moment, he realized that he placed a measure of trust in Irvin, and the man had ruined it all. No wonder Rivaille'd forbidden himself from loving. He didn't deserve it.

Eveytime someone got to close, he would back away, going into that dark place that he set apart,

just for the sake of his independence. If I let someone change that fact, he thought,

it would mean the end, of the life that revolved around me and me alone. 

"that's why I have to run"

"I love you. I love you. God, I love you." Eren gasped as Rivaille caressed him in his most private of places, shivering at the touch.

At that time, Rivaille thought. I should've run. Even though I wanted some distraction, some entertainment, I think-

I just wanted to feel what it was like to be "loved" again. To be held in someone's arms. 

Or maybe, he was just too weak to pull away.

He was just an extra puzzle piece, in this game of life. No other piece would fit, even if forcibly bent. But Eren-maybe he was just another extra piece too.

Is that why it seemed like they belonged together? No.

It was just a sweet, bizarre delusion,

An erotic fantasy, a sinful lust.

"Marry me."

He held out a ring to Eren, the surprised boy looking up at him.

Back then, Eren was still a naïve child, believer of all things ignorant and eternal.

Rivaille wanted to ruin that innocence, to rip it apart, and show Eren,

What reality was.

"I will."

He didn't expect the boy to accept, choking back a sob.

That time when you were smiling, I thought you looked the most beautiful. 

The ring was silver, embossed with the words-

My fate is in your hands now. 

Eren had cried at that time-tears of happiness, Rivaille supposed, because there was no other reason that the boy should cry, not now. "I love you" Eren repeated, over and over until Rivaille had it echoing in his head.

"I love you." A gentle kiss on Rivaille's forehead.

"I love you." Another one on his collarbone.

"I love you." A soft brush on his hand.

"I love you." For the first time in his life, Rivaille could say it. He didn't cry-it was rain that was falling down his face.

He could say it, and without any hint of regrets. 

I love you. 

The words were stupid. Empty hypocritical vows. Because as he watched Eren's titan fall, he knew that he could do nothing but scream and run.

I love you. How long would those words last? 

Words didn't do anything. 

IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouvIloveyouI loveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou 

That all did nothing.

Once again, Rivaille was alone.

This is why he shouldn't love. 

~X~

But maybe, loving did some good, he thought, as he started at Eren, with an emotion that could only be expressed as overwhelming tenderness.

Because now, I'm happy.


End file.
